My brain is full and the same things just keep playing in my head…so gonna put them all here and see if they stop. (I’m okay, really. Just a brain that’s too busy.) Will P actually follow through and sign the paperwork for the refinance/me buying him out? Cannot lose this house. Fuck, I really…
Drowning
Drowning in the darkness in my mind. So weary from struggling. I can only take so much. I’ve been damaged from the beginning. Brainwashed into believing in a god that’s compassionate, and also murders. Demands unwavering love and service or eternal suffering will be mine. Is this the suffering? Because this feels worse than hell.…
Ramble On
I hate asking my family for help, like HATE. I feel like “the baby” of the family who got “everything handed to her”, and (allegedly had it so much easier than my (male) siblings. Yes I realize that’s typical sibling shit to say, but piggybacked on an evangelical upbringing that essentially teaches that men are…
TLDR; Play Time is Vital and We All Deserve It
I took that quote to heart over the past week, and celebrated me, myself, and I for 9 days. I took off work, didn’t schedule any appointments, and made no commitments other than a pool party with friends and our kids. It was amazing. I got my nails and feet pampered, let an amazing massage…
My Tween Thinks I’m Cool
When I was 13/14 and swimsuit shopping with my mom, it was STRESSFUL. Being an evangelical, the restrictions were many and I couldn’t get the latest fashions because they were “immodest”. Yesterday I took B swimsuit shopping and it was FUN, for both of us. We were at Target, and they started talking to an…
Growth
Tonight I want a partner to hold me in bed, to tell me that I’m not alone in *waves hands around* all of this. I “want”. Not I “need”. Wow, that’s something I never thought I’d say. So many years of hetero-normative Christian brainwashing had me convinced that I needed another half, in order to…
Forgiving Myself
I’ve been listening to a podcast lately called Something Was Wrong, about recovering from emotional abuse; and the first season’s relationship is so similar to my relationship and marriage. There were so many red flags, and so many times I ignored my intuition; I was codependent, and he made me that way. We met in…
Awkward “Newbie” Queer Coming Through
I think I’m done with cis-men…like I’m 95% sure that I don’t want to ever date one again. When I envision my future, I don’t necessarily see a cis-man in it as my partner. (And for the record, sometimes I don’t see a partner in my future.) More often than not, if I’m envisioning a…
Narcissists Gonna Narc…or something like that
It’s Mother’s Day weekend. I *just* made it through a round of layoffs at work. Kids’ mental states & my mental state are pretty stable. Things are okay-ish. The hearing in front of the judge re: the house is in 2 weeks, and I haven’t given into my abuser. So of course he emails me…
Another Depressing Post Because My Life Is A Dumpster Fire Right Now and I’m Barely Coping
*Title in homage to Samantha Irby and her chapter titles (if you read this, I adore you) I’m in the middle of a massive fibromyalgia flare, which isn’t surprising given the amount of stress I’m under. At least I got to enjoy book club and some amazing Indian food before it hit; but let me…
Deconstructed Yoga Mom 